Loyalty

I've been learning quite a few lessons about female friendships these days, particularly about how to manage them in the context of a young adult, post-college lifestyle. Weirdly enough, I've lost almost all contact with my college friends, including the ones I really expected to keep. In the meantime, I've been hanging out with an old high school friend, who recently started attending school in my city, and I caught up with two others (one being Jenna, the girl who broke off her engagement a year ago) over Thanksgiving break. By the way, I found out there's something more annoying than a friend who checks her smartphone 20 times per conversation: a friend who shows you 10 million pictures on her smartphone of her new boyfriend while you're in the middle of a conversation with another friend. Dear God.

But it's funny; despite these friends' silly quirks and the rather, erm, boring discussion topics (drunken escapades, rude customers at work, new hookups), I actually really enjoy hanging out with them, in small doses. The two greatest things about these friends is 1) they're extremely loyal and 2) they don't backstab each other. There's something wonderful about being with a couple friends of yore and knowing they're not going to complain about you when you're not there, or say nasty, manipulative things to your face. I've no doubt that part of the blessing is a result of not spending much time together--no herd can really grow from a small group that chills together once a year. But there's also something to be said for maintaining old friendships that you normally would've outgrown, except you keep coming back to the same hometown, or move to the same city. And there's something about loyalty that keeps a friendship together, even if there's very little emotional closeness, or even common interests.

Interestingly, a very old friend--one I've known since elementary school and haven't seen in at least four years--asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding tonight. I was sort of debating about it earlier in the evening. I've jokingly said before that I'd refuse to be in this friend's wedding because I can't condone her marriage to her asshole boyfriend-now-fiancee (who's cheated on her several times), and I actually wasn't expecting her to ask me to be a part of it. But it was my brother who pointed out that it's not really about my opinion on who she's chosen to marry, and I think he's right. It's more about signaling loyalty, and honoring the friendship. If I don't think too hard about the fact that a lot of this wedding party stuff is about picking "better" friends over others, and naturally enraging the others in the process, I think I finally understand why girls make such a big deal out of these decisions. Even though I hate dressing up and probably can't afford to be a bridesmaid at this point in my life, I do feel honored to be chosen, not because I feel "superior" to the bride's other friends (in reality I don't know them; we lived in different towns and were penpals), but because it's a sign that, after all this time, my friend still feels loyal to me. And it means a lot.

Can You Please Put Down Your Smartphone?

Last winter, when I was still in graduate school, I had a friend-acquaintance (that awkward in-between phase) who was in all of my classes. I saw her several times a week, I walked to classes with her, I even occasionally ate lunch with her. And in all of those settings, she would not get off her damn smartphone. Now, I don't happen to have a smartphone. It's partly a money thing; my dad still has me on his plan, but says I'll need to chip in for a data plan if I decide to upgrade, and I simply don't have the funds. But it's also a matter of pride, in a way; I don't want to be THAT girl, checking into facebook every 5 seconds with annoying photos and constantly tweeting about my breakfast (incidentally, I also don't have Twitter, and don't really "get" the purpose). But this girl, well, she WAS that girl. Checking her e-mail in the moments before class. Logging into facebook as we walked down the street. It got to the point where I just didn't want to bother with her.

Fast forward to this year. I recently reconnected with an old high school friend, and we've been getting along just dandy! We have a blast when we hang out, gossiping about people we haven't seen in ages. But there's one small problem: she will NOT put down that stupid smartphone! I cannot tell you how awkward it is to be mid-sentence and realize that present company's mind is on the most recent message from her boyfriend, and NOT on the conversation. Then I feel obligated to check my piece of crap brick, which inevitably has nothing on it because I hate text conversations and that's pretty much the only function it has, though while I'm at it I remind myself how stupid it would be to carry facebook in my pocket all day.

I'm not sure if this is a gender thing--the only guy I see regularly is my boyfriend, and he has an old-school flip-phone he bought for $15 when the touch screen on his Eternity broke--but I'll address it to everyone. Folks: it is incredibly rude to check your phone just for funsies when you're hanging out with someone, especially mid-conversation. This goes for spending time with friends, but also during conversations with people you've just met (oh yes, I've had new acquaintances whip out their phones on me as well). Come on people, I shouldn't even have to say this, it's very basic etiquette. You wouldn't start checking your iPhone in the middle of a business meeting (or would you?). Besides, facebook is not going to get up and walk away, twitter will not perish in your absence, and no one gives a shit where you checked into on foursquare anyway (um, that's what foursquare is, right?). Your companion may not say anything (what do you say to that?) but that does not mean he/she is not silently stewing or seriously ticked off. If you have a serious smartphone addiction problem, I would strongly suggest downgrading to a piece of shit. It's cheaper, and at least you'll come up for air and be able to greet the real world once again. Oh hello there social life!

Silence is Strength (or How I Kept My Mouth Shut)

Before I get to the meat of this post, I just want to thank those of you who are still following me. It's been a rough year, and you can read the specifics here and here (and if you do choose to read, buckle down because it ain't a pretty story). The good news is that I finally, FINALLY had the urge to revive this blog a few days ago, which has been much anticipated, with quite a bit of frustration (for awhile I considered closing up shop completely). I can't promise I'll continue to update regularly, but one post is better than nothing! So let's get to it...

The other morning, my boyfriend came home after working the night shift (by the way, yes we moved in together!) and he was clearly pissed off about something. I can always tell when he's angry because he sort of bangs around rather loudly, slamming doors and handling inanimate objects with an unusual amount of roughness. I learned fairly early in our relationship that the best reaction is to stay in the background and give him space until he cools down, but that morning he immediately sat down at his computer, grabbed his keyboard, and started typing furiously.

Now, I know I just said it's best to let him be in moments like this, but I was DYING to know what the deal was. The previous morning, he'd told me he had an uncomfortable discussion with his boss, who had blamed him for the incompetence of another employee, so I knew things were not going so smoothly at work. I started thinking about all the possibilities.... had he been fired? had he had another tense conversation? had it escalated? I assumed that he was writing an e-mail to someone above his boss, and began to think of reasons why it would be a bad idea. It really was not a good time for him to lose his job, we just barely hold on financially and I'm still unemployed at the moment.

Thoughts swirling in my head, I suddenly thought of the old, outdated adage "children are not to speak unless spoken to." I'm not a child, and I don't generally believe that children should be treated like pets, but at that moment, I knew I needed to internalize the statement. I made a rule for myself: I would remain quiet, in the background, until my boyfriend spoke to me. And sure enough, after about half an hour of typing he said "baby, I'll need your help with this."

In the end, he had me look over his e-mail (I didn't get a useless degree for nothing... I've got my editing skills!) and it turned out he was writing to someone above his boss, after a period of what he felt was unnecessarily negative treatment from the managers. The message was well-written, the tone was reasonable, and the argument was legitimate, and by the end, I was sure that standing up for himself was the right decision.

Women love to talk before they get the whole story, passing judgment before they have all the information. Attentive listening must be born of the ability to remain silent, and listening is an integral part of respect. In addition, it's often not helpful to take an "I know better" stance when someone close to you is approaching a problem in his own way. The urge to "know better" can be squelched, to a certain extent, by silence. Finally, trust is an important part of any relationship, and you must trust that your partner is rational and smart enough to make his own decisions.

Don't Go Away!

I have not yet decided to disband my blog. Over the last few months I've been recovering from a medical issue that has slowed down my cognitive abilities and prevented me from writing enough coherent sentences to make a post. I've been back lurking in the sphere the last few days and I'm not out of ideas. I'm not ready to write a full post yet, but expect new material in the next few months. Until then, toodles!

An Experiment

In a recent thread at HUS, some questions arose about my true mission: what am I doing, and is what I'm promoting really healthy for women? These are very good questions, as they force me to explore my philosophies related to dating and relationships.

First, let me clarify that I'm really conducting an experiment. I am my own guinea pig, and it just so happens that I'm in a relationship, so I get to witness the response from my boyfriend. That may not sit well with people, and it may look like I'm using my boyfriend as a test subject, observing his reactions, and using them as evidence to support my mission and stroke my ego. Please understand that even if I had zero readers and received no feedback, I'd still be writing. This in an exercise in self-discovery.

Next, I'd like to address some specific questions that came up in the thread about my ideas:

Do your views promote the idea that women are inherently bad people and need to atone for the sins of feminism?
Absolutely not. When I look around me, I see a lot of feisty women, and there may be some element of self-selection in that, as I am a feisty little girl myself. There's nothing inherently bad about being feisty; to be honest, it helps me get my work done, allows me to advocate for myself when I'm being taken advantage of at work, and it gets this blog written. I have a very strong personality, and I recognize that some women just don't. That is fine, not everything I advocate will work for everyone. That being said, I do think that feminism promoted the idea that women (especially those with strong personalities) should be go-getters, that they should fight against those controlling evil men. It's a subconscious cultural influence, but I don't set out to blame these ladies if they have, indeed, become go-getters.

The problem with being feisty in a relationship is that it has the potential to create power struggles. Feisty can become aggressive, and aggressive women are not attractive and don't handle relationships well. For these women, it is important to step back, especially if they do want their men to lead. My boyfriend, by nature, is a very laid back guy. That said, he absolutely hates when people try to control him, so in stepping back, I'm allowing him to be himself. I'm still feisty, I'm just not nagging and bitching and causing problems when he gets home from work and just wants to rest.

Do you think all women want jerks?
No way. I'm pretty sure the vast majority of women do not want to end up with jerks who are going to take advantage of and mistreat them. The issue, perhaps, is that women in my general age-range have not matured to the point at which they can identify guys who will mistreat them (although I'm sure there are exceptions). If you're interested in exploring ways to identify these jerks, you can head on over to HUS. Here, I am specifically interested in the maturing process.

Do you think men also have work to do to improve the SMP?
Yes. However, as a woman, it is not my responsibility to advise those men. When I first started this experiment, I went about it the wrong way. I approached my boyfriend and asked if he would "take charge more." It was a completely useless request, and to be honest, it wouldn't feel right if he had complied with the request. There's something inherently self-defeating about a man complying with a woman's request to "take charge," as if, by complying with her request, he's still letting her lead. Instead, I've realized that by changing my behavior, my boyfriend also changes his behavior. Some may still see this as self-defeating, as if the goal was to change my boyfriend. In fact, my goal is to change the dynamic of the relationship. That is a positive growing opportunity for both of us, one that we both seem to be taking. For the record, I do not feel the need to change my boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy, and I truly respect him. We're both young, and we're in the process of growing up.

Do you advocate the idea that women need to smash down their hypergamy?
No. That was something I used to say quite frequently, because I thought hypergamy was something to be ashamed of. While I do think all women lie somewhere on the hypergamy spectrum, I suspect that pre-feminist culture discouraged it (I'm tempted to reference The Scarlet Letter, but truth be told, I have not read it since high school). Unrestrained hypergamy is not good for society, but I fully support the notion of re-channeling it. This is a concept I'm still developing, and I will have more to say on this topic in the future. In the meantime, check out Anacaona's "Redefining Hypergamy" posts, or Bellita's peahenning post.

Do you advocate codependency in women?
No, and in light of my last post, I wanted to hone in on this final question and make something very clear: what I am doing is teaching me to NOT be codependent. I find that, as I change my behaviors, I feel less outcome-invested. Before I started making changes, I used to send constant texts to my boyfriend, with ridiculous mushy language. It drove him nuts, and he started complaining about me being "clingy." Then I would complain that he was ignoring me, and it became a vicious cycle. Something about the changing dynamic makes me feel more secure in my relationship, and less like being in his face all the time. The changes have been wonderful, and I look forward to our progression as we continue to take our next big steps.

Why Am I Blogging?

The next step in my journey requires a more personal examination of deeper family and social issues that have shaped the way I view the SMP and help explain why I started this blog. It's been brewing for awhile, but this fantastic post at The Rawness really got me thinking. It's a lengthy summation of the psychology behind the PUA community, and how the false self is really a mask for deeper insecurity issues that are typically rooted in childhood family dynamics. The basic argument is that narcissism is not a far leap from codependency, and that by teaching men tactics to win women, the PUA community effectively teaches men to be narcissists, but it doesn't help them address their real insecurities.

The post is written for men, and it's a pretty harsh critique of the PUA teachings (a discussion that doesn't really concern me), but I want to hone in on these concepts of codependency and narcissism, primarily because they resonate strongly with me (and, I suspect, with other women).

You'll recall that in this post I scratched the surface on my tendency to want to please others, putting their needs before my own. There's a reason that I have this deep-seated desire to please and placate, and it starts with my childhood.

My dad grew up with a narcissist father, and a detached mother who looked on as her husband pitted his children against each other. My grandfather was a very wealthy man, an immigrant who owned a successful factory in the '50s. He died when I was 2 years old, but I'm told there was a long line of people out the door at his viewing, and if I Google him now, I can find a few articles about him. My dad hates his family and refuses to associate with them. He did not attend his mother's funeral when she died a few months ago.

I am very close to my dad, but I know he's not healthy. In high school I watched him pick fights with my mom in front of me and felt like I needed to fix things. When they almost got divorced, they both came to me to complain about each other. I had always been a social outcast, but it's around this time I suspect I became codependent. I felt like I needed to fix people's problems, and it started with my parents.

In college I turned into a narcissist of sorts. After a false start and a subsequent year off, I went to a new school and somehow climbed to the top. I had tons of friends and a core herd, something that never happened before, but I was attracting people whose problems I felt I needed to fix. The dynamic really started with Jenna back in high school, but by college I had a whole slew of them. They were all just as insecure and passive-aggressive as me, but they all came to me to talk about each other. I was in a position of power, and it felt so wonderful, to the point that I thought I finally knew what it felt like to be happy.

In reality, I was leading a double life. My grades were phenomenal, I loved my classes, and some of my true passions were fostered during those years--but I never discussed any of that with my friends. When I went back to the dorm, it was all about gossiping and watching America's Next Top Model and seeking validation. I couldn't be smart around them; I could just help them fix their problems. I didn't understand that I had a problem too.

In the end, I became attached to Kelly, who fed off my insecurity and brought me down. I never really recovered, and it's not surprising that I broke away from that particular herd during my last year of college. Before I broke away, I remember being paranoid that my friends would let her be a part of our group, as she was always on the periphery. Something about her pushed all of my buttons, and I now know it was a subconscious desire to fix her problems (as well as anger that I was "expected" to fix her problems, the true mark of a codependent). Interestingly, my friends weren't willing to get rid of her until they realized that she was feeding off their insecurities too.

Recently, I came up against a wall in my relationship, and it reawakened all of my codependent tendencies. When my boyfriend left school and his family started bullying him, I immediately wanted to fix everything for him: tell off his mom and his aunts for expecting the worse from him, give him money to get him back to school, "help" him see that he doesn't belong with them, he belongs with me. You see? Codependency isn't actually about being selfless and helping a person out; it's about doing things for people so they do things for you. Ultimately, it's self-serving, it's an ego-boost. But understand that codependency and narcissism are not the marks of bad people, they are the marks of people with deep-seated insecurities.

When I come at the SMP, I come with all of this history. My goal is to find common ground and help women become better relationship prospects. But more than that, my ultimate goal is to make myself into a better relationship prospect. I enjoy writing about this stuff in a public forum, as it's a good place to receive honest feedback. At the end of the day, this blog is for me.

Shaming and Hookup Culture

"Slut-shaming" is a controversial term in the manosphere used to promote the discouragement of hooking up, especially among young women. The idea is that if you make women (and men!) feel bad about slutty behavior, they will cease to engage in it, and it will no longer be glorified as acceptable in the SMP. This post is about why I'm against it.

I'm in training to be a social worker. Last semester, I took a general social work class, where we learned basic communication methods commonly used in sessions with clients. Social workers see a wide variety of clients; some are drug addicts, some are gamblers, some are even prisoners. The moment a client walks into the room, the worker is to act friendly and engage in empathic communication. The goal is not to glorify or justify the client's past behavior, but to examine it in a way that makes the client feel simultaneously safe and introspective. It would not be appropriate for a social worker to tell a drug addict "You suck, man. You have no sense of self-control, and now look what you did to your family." If I was the client in that situation, I'd be running for the door. Likewise, it's not kosher to say "Good for you buddy! You hit up your dealer, making connections I see!" Obviously, that would be counter-productive.

In today's hookup culture, neither approach is effective when encouraging introspection. If I went out tomorrow and told all the slutty girls I ever knew that they were complete idiots, they'd say "Wow, you're nice. We will now collectively stick our fingers in our ears and stop listening to everything you say." On the contrary, if I discuss specific behaviors that might be keeping a promiscuous or flaky girl from finding love, and use myself as an example, I have more success.

As a great example, I had a conversation with a dear friend recently who was considering ending her 4-month relationship because her boyfriend "wasn't making her a priority." I'd had a similar conflict in my own relationship, and discovered that it really came down to nagging. As long as I nagged my boyfriend to spend time with me, he wanted his space. I talked to her about why my own boyfriend had grown frustrated with my nagging, and by the end, she had admitted that she had a nagging problem, and that she needed to work on it. As far as I know, she's still with the boyfriend. But just think, if I'd said from the get-go "well your problem is nagging, obviously," she'd feel attacked. It's not about telling people they have problems, but starting a conversation during which they can start to discuss and examine their problems on their own terms.

People don't truly look inside themselves and consider their destructive behavior unless they feel they can talk about it in a safe environment. Shaming is not the answer.